Wednesday, July 25, 2012

Would it be totally uncool for me to swoon right now...?

Holy fuckity-fuck-fucking-Jesus-Christ-in-a-teacup Batman!

I just got home and checked my email and I found THIS... 

I stole her avatar too...

Just in case you can't see it properly, here's a close-up...

She loves me. She really loves me.

Yes that is an email from Ms Jenny The Bloggess Lawson herself replying to me regarding my putting her quote on my wall. I feel like I just got a letter from the Queen!


P.S. Wentworth Miller, you're next!

Tuesday, July 24, 2012

I am the Wizard of Oz of Housewives

Okay. So I read Jenny Lawson's (The Bloggess) book Let's Pretend This Never Happened.

Why yes, that is a dead mouse.

It's fantastic. Like utterly amazing.

Now I read a lot. I mean, A LOT a lot. And I'm warning you in advance, this post is going to border on being stalker-ish. The Bloggess' book moved me more than any I've read in a really long time. I cringed in horror, laughed until a little bit of pee came out and sobbed as if my heart was broken. And scarily of all I could relate. To everything. single. word.

It's absolutely terrifying for me to read a book like this because I feel as though she burrowed deep down inside of me and retched up all the stuff I'm ashamed of and keep hidden, and exposed it for everyone to judge. It's heart-wrenching, and embarrassing, and absolutely wonderful. Just to know there is someone else out there that is just as fucked up as I am is empowering.

I have so much respect and admiration for this woman, the strength it would take to be able to write with such honesty and rawness, to lay it all out there for the world to see. It's humbling.

One thing in particular spoke to me and perfectly captured the inner conflict that wars within me on a daily basis. The 23rd chapter is titled;
"I am the Wizard of Oz of Housewives (In that I am both "Great and Terrible" and because sometimes I hide behind the Curtains)"
This quote not only sums up the entire book for me, but also encompasses my whole life. I am wonderful and horrible, sometimes simultaneously, on a daily basis. And at times I am so overwhelmed by either the sheer wonder, or utter hopelessness of it all I find myself curled up in the foetal position in a corner. 

That page (p 191), drew me back to re-read, over and over. And each time I found something new. A brutally honest thought. Deeper insight. Some new complexity that made me go, "Oh! Yes. There you are."

I thumbed through the pages to get to that quote so many times I ruined the book.

So I stole it.

I made it bigger.

And I put it on my wall.

And it is awesome.

Thursday, July 12, 2012

Stupid Boy, Silly Girl.

I thought I'd give Mama Kat's Writers Workshop a go again.

It's been ages but I'm feeling bitter and twisted today and one of her prompts for this week gives me the perfect outlet for my overall yukkiness.

Mama’s Losin’ It

I've chosen prompt number 3. Write a poem that about a time you felt betrayed.

I had a relationship many years ago with a stupid horrible little boy younger man who was initially attracted to the pure awesomeness of me. I was 28 and he was 8 years younger than me (do the math) and had a body that reduced me to a puddle of teenage hormones. He was also a controlling, abusive, drug user, who made it his job (the only one he had) to stamp out my spirit. He would smoke, snort or inject anything he could find, then tell me what a horrible person I was. The guy was a prince. Of darkness. So why did I stay? Unfortunately his youth, cockiness (pun intended), and lack of inhibitions made him fan-fucking-tastic in bed. Oh and my mum was dying and I had absolutely no self-esteem. But mainly the sex thing. The relationship started in the years leading up to my mothers death and finished not long after when I finally recognized what he had done to me. It was the biggest mistake I ever made and it almost ruined me. I can still feel the effects of it. Or maybe that's lingering second-hand smoke. Either way it left me scarred. And semi-high. I wrote this, and a few others like it, to try to cleanse myself. A kind of mental detox. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger right?

Stupid Boy, Silly Girl

I listen to music, and all day I read.
     Inspiring words, that relate to me.
           Pulling me in, sayin' Silly Girl.
Why’d you let this boy, take over your world?

I trusted you, and made us a home.
     I gave you my love, shared all that I owned.
          You took ev'ry breath, and demanded more.
 If I didn't submit, you showed me the door.

I had it all, was a flame so bright.
      A different thing to do ev’ry night.
           You locked me away, threw away the key.
And ev’ry one forgot about me.

You set out to break me, you told me so.
      And even then I couldn’t let you go.
           You challenged yourself, you made me succumb.
You even hurt me, while I buried my mum.

Did it ever occur to you it was wrong?
     (Stupid Boy)
I cannot believe that I stayed for so long.
     (Silly Girl)
You couldn’t decide between me and your bong.
     (Stupid Boy)
I suppose I should thank you for making me strong.
     (Silly Girl)

You left me alone dunno how many times.
      Coz I’m not as important as the boyz and some lines.
           Does your dope and your speed keep you warm in bed?
Can they make you dinner? Do they give good head?

You don’t own me no more, I’m out and I’m free.
     When I left you that day, I went out found me.
           I can live life again, friends still know my name.
I have people who love me, can you say the same?

Saturday, July 7, 2012

I. Should. Never. Watch. Infomercials... Ever.

Wednesday night I was up until 4am. Why? I hear you cry. One word. Info-fucking-mercials. Ok, so maybe that's two words.

I told myself I was studying. I was supposed to be studying. But really? Watchin' the damn infomercials.

They lure me in every. time.

THAT night I bought:

Because apparently I couldn't get shampoo at Coles...

But in the past I have been sucked in by:

Tried it. Lasted 3 weeks.
There's only so much canned tuna you can eat. Next...!

Uhh Huh... See above comment.

Without this I look like Shrek.

Ok, these I use daily. 
They make your boobs look like a uni-boob but they are so damn comfortable!

Used it once... 
I do have it prominently displayed so that when people visit I can look down my nose at them and say, "Sure. I use it every day... Don't you?"

This is actually pretty cool. I have steamed everything.

Anyone else got anything for sale? A crudely put together PowerPoint presentation is apparently all you need to lure me in. Free trial? Love it. Only pay for postage? Sign me up!

I suck at impulse control.